Baggage

I recently moved across states.  And by recently, I mean about three months ago.  So it’s not like we’re talking yesterday.  And by I, I mean “I and everything I have ever owned since birth” moved.  In case you’re wondering, I’ve acquired quite the sum of possessions.  My new room isn’t the size of a four story home.  It’s the size of an average, middle-classed, American bedroom.  Not huge, but by no means a closet either.  However, with the amount of stuff I own, I’m lucky I have been able to carve out enough room on my bed for me to sleep at night.  I have stuff everywhere.  That is not even a little bit of an exaggeration.

Sooo…get rid of it, right?  Throw out all the things you don’t need.  That’s what any  person that didn’t land themselves on an episode of Hoarders would say anyway.

But I learned something about myself.  It’s been very challenging for me to get rid of all my stuff.  More challenging than I feel comfortable admitting.  It’s not like I’m a greedy person, opposed to giving, nor would I necessarily qualify as a hoarder (though I am more sentimental than most).  So I had to ask myself: What about giving things I don’t need, want, or use away is such a challenge for me?

I asked, God answered.  Typical.

In this process, God revealed to me that I’ve been placing much of my identity in my things.  I have felt that if I give something away, I’ll be giving away part of me.  I’ll be losing my story in how I got here today.  That may sound silly considering I grew up hearing not to lay up treasures on earth as they will rot away, but instead to lay up treasures in heaven where they will be eternal.  (Which, by the way, is much easier in theory than in practice).  And obviously I don’t think my Kindergarten spelling award or my 34 Barbie dolls I played with as a little girl define me today.  Yet at the same time, these things tell my story.  At first I felt embarrassed by the amount of stuff I had, but then I saw how each thing brought me back to a memory – good, bad, or both – in my life, and that that memory means something to me.  It has been more emotional of a process to go through everything I’ve ever owned than I anticipated.

What God had to show me is that my identity, my story, my life is in Him.  He’s eternal and He’s not going away.  My things are not me.  I can let go of them and not lose an ounce of me.  Once again, easier said than done.

But God wasn’t done revealing to me deeper truths in this unpacking journey.  The other thing I learned about myself is that I fear not having what I need.  I grew up relatively poor for an American.  I’m not pretending my life was ever as tragic or wanting as a good portion of the world.  I was never starving or without a place to sleep.  But throughout much of my childhood, and even today, my family and I have had to depend on the church or friends to feed us, clothe us, and provide for our needs.  Because of this, I cling tightly to everything I have.  I fear not being provided for, even though God has shown me throughout my entire life how He is the ultimate Provider and will never allow me to be without my needs.  (Key word being needs, not wants).  He is the good Father who loves His children.  And He has proved that to me.  Consistently.  For 22 years.  But I still lack trust and instead, I fear.

During a time in prayer with my sister in Christ, God told me that when I am giving away and removing the baggage in my life, literally and figuratively, is when I am the most rich.  He has set my life aside to do ministry work, whatever that may look like.  I don’t know if that means settling down in one community or moving all around the country or globe, but I do know that I need to be ready whenever He calls.  I need to be mobile and movable.  If He says to move, I can’t be in a position where it’ll take me three years just to pack my things so I can move.  I need to be ready.  In throwing out my baggage and giving away things to people who need it, I am actually freeing myself and putting myself in a position to be more used by God when He calls.  I am also providing for another’s needs in the same way I was provided for by the gifts of others.

All this to say, I am now embarking on this strange journey of removing baggage (in every sense of the word).  I’m not selling my things to make a profit.  I am not keeping things just in case I need it.  I am simply giving.  Trusting that I have all I need and more.  Trusting that if I am without a need, God will provide for me.

And besides, when was the last time you saw a U-Haul following a hearse?

-A Graceful Follower of Christ

Remember

I’m in a weird season of life.  One in which I often don’t have time or the desire to sit and write.  Whether I’m too busy or too tired or too overwhelmed or believing that what I say doesn’t matter anyway, I just haven’t wanted to speak. I don’t want people to see me at my weakest.

That’s not what God wants. So I will share with you in my weakest time.

I’ve been in a place in my life where my whole world has changed.  I’m in a new state with a new culture, new climate, new people, new churches, new communities, new roads, new food, new school, new jobs, new houses, new accents.  This list goes on and on.  My brain physically hurts almost every moment of every day because it’s on overload.  I haven’t stopped going.  I haven’t been able to be still and listen (like truly listen) to anybody – people or God.

I am lonely.  I am unknown.  I am scared.  I am weak.  I am believing lies.  I am not trusting.

I’m also somebody that others assume is doing great and knows all the right answers, so of course she doesn’t need any outside help, wisdom, or guidance.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to return to the place where I met God.  I was surrounded by my closest friends, people who know me, in a familiar environment that I consider home.  It was then that I remembered…

I remembered who I was.  I remembered who God was.  I remembered the wisdom He once shared with me.  I remembered the trials and joys He brought me through.  I remembered I’m called to worship Him in every season of life.

The funny part was that I didn’t realize I had forgotten until I remembered.  Odd how that works.

People that I had ministered to were reminding me of things I used to say to them, and I finally saw how I had stopped living in that way since moving away from my home.  I trusted God… but not THAT much.

For the first time in far too long, I opened up my Bible today to read for my sake – not for class or for a friend, but for me.
I opened to my favorite Psalm.
Psalm 42.

And there it was in verse 6, “My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you.”

My soul too has been downcast.
What does David say is the remedy for a downcast soul?

To try harder?  Pray more?  Sleep more?  Eat healthier?  Develop closer relationships with friends?  Exercise?  Buy new clothes?  Do more ministry?  Find a hobby?  Get a pet?

No.

He says to remember God.

Remember who He is.
Remember who He says you are.
Remember how He loves you.

When my soul is focused on that, there’s a light in the midst of all the darkness.

All I have to do right now is remember.

-A Graceful Follower of Christ

The Gift of Being Present

I work around a lot of children during my summers.  Children amuse me greatly and I love them, but I also learn quite a bit about myself and life through listening to them.

This week I am helping out at my church’s Vacation Bible School.  I have been helping as either an Assistant Crew Leader or Crew Leader for the past nine years.  Each year I learn something new, ways that I can improve for the following year, and I also learn a lot about the kids in my crew.

Every year, without fail, my kids will ask me, “What are we doing next?”  I used to quickly pull out my schedule and find out for them so that I could answer their question.  This year, I have one boy that consistently asks me for the time.  The first time he asked me I told him, wondering what on earth an 8 year old boy needs to know the time for.  Does he have an appointment or an interview he can’t miss? The next time he asked I realized that there is literally no reason this boy needs to know the time, other than he wants to know what is next and when the next thing is coming.  Finally, I looked at him and said, “How about we just be here right now, instead of worrying about what’s next?”

“But I want to go swimming and have lunch after VBS!”

“Ok, that’s nice and it sounds really fun, but right now is VBS. Enjoy what you’re doing right now.”

This quieted him for a little while.  Then we got to the next station, “What time is it?”

“You don’t need to know.  Let’s listen to the lady talking.”

Quiet again.

This lasted the whole three hours of VBS.  But it’s not just this 8 year old boy that does this.  It’s each and every one of us.
How many times a day do I check the time?  How many times a day am I worrying about the next thing I need to do, never fully present in what it is I’m actually doing at that very moment?  How many times do I speak to somebody and am not fully present with them, thinking they won’t notice?

Another 8 year old girl in my crew, wise beyond her years, said to me, “I love my mommy and daddy.  The only thing I don’t love about my daddy is he works too much.  And when he is home, he’s not really there.”

She’s 8.

An 8 year old can pick up on whether or not somebody is present with her or not.

Ok, these are interesting stories, but what does this have to do with anything?

We have a problem where we are incapable of being truly present.  I haven’t done research on why this is and am not willing to make any lofty claims such as cell phones and internet and our culture of instant gratification are all ruining our lives.  However, there is no denying that people are busy.  Too busy rest, too busy to be still, too busy to be present.  Our minds and bodies are racing to the next thing, always focused on the future, but never or rarely present in the now.

This effects those around us.  As with that 8 year old girl, she is craving her father’s attention.  With the 8 year old boy, I feel like he doesn’t want to be at VBS with me since he’s anxious to leave.  Some effects are worse than others, but with not being present, it always has an effect on somebody, even if that somebody is just you.

The other day I almost got into a car accident because I was late and rushing.  My heart was racing, I couldn’t concentrate, I was flustered, and each person I talked to was simply an obstacle in my way to getting to the next place.  People became objects to me instead of subjects.  And nobody, including me, liked that feeling.

Not only am I hurting the people around me by not being present, but also I’m also hurting God.  Thaaaat’s right, got to bring this back to God.

God desires us.  Not 10 seconds of us saying a thank you before a meal as we rush out the door, but us.  He desires the gift of our presence.  He wants us to BE with Him, fully.  He wants us to rest with Him.  To stop the business of our lives and simply be still with Him.

When we learn how to give God the gift of ourselves, we can then give that gift to those around us.  We can be fully present in what we’re doing and the people we’re with.

It’s a gift.  Which means you have a choice whether or not you’ll give it.

-A Graceful Follower of Christ